


Oh my fuckin' Goddesses', she's fuckin' dead.

by Newsnakeyes



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Jokes, Crack, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Inappropriate Humor, This Is STUPID, Vines, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24661744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newsnakeyes/pseuds/Newsnakeyes
Summary: I'm sorry, I had to. I had a fuckin daydream of that stupid vine of Mrs. Kesha doll and well, that was fuckin made. Enjoy.I'll continue on a later date probably.
Relationships: Ganondorf & Link (Legend of Zelda), Ganondorf & Zelda (Legend of Zelda), Link & Zelda (Legend of Zelda)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

Link had finally done it. He had defeated Ganondorf! Once again, the champion of the goddesses had bested the vessel of the Triforce of Power. However, the young man could not bring himself to slay the King of Evil, instead binding the Gerudo tightly with chains and carefully wrapping some cloth around the stab wound that was profusely leaking blood _everywhere_.

Link would've been more concerned if Ganondorf were anything but a power hungry megalomaniac, but alas the Gerudo was so he was of no concern to Link. The hero turned on his heel sharply to start running towards where Ganondorf had unceremoniously and _carelessly_ , might Link add, dropped the young princess. The young man was actually quite concerned since Zelda had not once moved during their epic battle, which first off, _rude_ , and second, who the fuck lies in the middle of a deadly swordfight?

Then again, it wasn't really a sword fight since Link didn't even have his Master Sword out for half that time. Mostly his boomerang and Grappling Hook. Either way, the hero swiftly made his way to his princess' side and gently rolled her off her stomach to lay on her back. Link grew anxious at the lack of response or movement from the very still body.

With no better plan in mind, Link slapped the princess. "Princess Zelda!"

No response. Well, no response from the princess but Link could hear a wheeze from behind him that more than likely came from Ganondorf. He must be winded from their fight, so Link paid him no mind.

Another slap, this time to her other cheek. "Princess Zelda!"

Again, no response. The wheezing from behind Link grew louder and the hero briefly feared the Gerudo may be dying of asphyxiation. The hero stared down at Zelda's peaceful features for a long moment then rolled his head around in a full circle before sighing deeply.

"Oh my fuckin' goddesses, she's fuckin' dead."

Ganondorf lost it behind the hero and started full-on laughing, mixed in with slightly hysterical gasps. 


	2. Get your fuckin' dog, bitch!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one fit so perfectly, I just couldn't not do it. Either way, enjoy this crack.

It had been a normal, albeit quiet, day in the Hyrule castle when negotiations with the Gerudo began. The King of the Gerudo, Ganondorf, had traveled all the way from the desert where his home lay to begin this talk of peace. While the King may not be fond of the Queen of Hyrule, Zelda and the current holder of the Triforce of Wisdom, Ganondorf would not forsake his people on a personal vendetta. The Gerudo had done everything in his power to make this meeting a successful endeavor, but it had all gone out the window the moment the King had stepped foot in the boardroom.

Ganondorf had always been aware of Link, the loyal bodyguard of Queen Zelda and the often executioner of the King himself in the few past lives he could remember. However, on this day with his body worn from a long travel and mind weary for the inevitable upcoming debates, Ganondorf took extra notice of the young man. The whole demeanor of Link seemed… off, for lack of better word. It took a few moments to realize why the King felt so uneasy.

Link was growling at him. Not loudly or anything, but growling nonetheless.

"Uh, Queen Zelda, may I inquire as to why your royal guard is growling at me?" Ganondorf asked uneasily, carefully walking towards his seat while staring down Link.

"Don't mind him," Zelda waved a hand with a blank face, seemingly not taking notice of the snarling man. "That's normal."

It was most certainly not normal. Ganondorf had never seen the stoic young man ever growl, or make a face that wasn't determined, pained, or triumphant. The King was broken out of his thoughts when Link suddenly lunged forward and slammed his sword into the smooth word of the conference table.

A high pitched squeal erupted from the King, followed by a roar, "Get your fuckin' guard, BITCH!"

Queen Zelda didn't even flinch, her face it's same smooth mask since Ganondorf entered the room, "He don't bite."

Link snarled again and lunged at the Gerudo King once again, but promptly fell short when he couldn't smoothly pull his sword from where it was still embedded in the wood table.

"YES HE DO!" Ganondorf screeched loudly, kicking Link in the face and bolting out of the conference room, straight to the stables to grab his horse and LEAVE.

Fuck Hyrule. Fuck Queen Zelda. Fuck Link. He was never coming back to the cursed castle ever again.


End file.
